My ugliest SQL query — for posterity.
SELECT `wp_category`.`id` AS `category:id`, `wp_category`.`name` AS `category:name`, `wp_category`.`created` AS `category:created`, `wp_category`.`modified` AS `category:modified`, `wp_lib_items`.* FROM `wp_lib_items` LEFT OUTER JOIN `wp_lib_borrowers` ON (`wp_lib_items`.`id` = (SELECT `wp_b`.`id` FROM `wp_lib_borrowers` AS `wp_b` WHERE `wp_b`.`item_id` = wp_lib_items.id ORDER BY `wp_b`.`status` ASC LIMIT 1)) LEFT OUTER JOIN `wp_congregate_members` ON (`wp_lib_borrowers`.`member_id` = `wp_congregate_members`.`id`) LEFT JOIN `wp_lib_categories` AS `wp_category` ON (`wp_category`.`id` = `wp_lib_items`.`category_id`) ORDER BY IFNULL(NULLIF(`wp_lib_borrowers`.`due_date`, '0000-00-00'), '3333-33-33') DESC, `wp_lib_items`.`title` ASC LIMIT 10 OFFSET 0
Now I’m off to tango with PHP’s SplPriorityQueue.

Try this for ugly:
set ANSI_NULLS ON set QUOTED_IDENTIFIER ON go ALTER PROCEDURE [dbo].[CustomReports_ManagerLicenseReport] @SessionID INT AS -- Don't wait for locks. SET TRANSACTION ISOLATION LEVEL READ UNCOMMITTED UPDATE [kronos].[dbo].[CUST_RPT_USAGE_Count] SET [UsageCount] = (SELECT [UsageCount] FROM [kronos].[dbo].[CUST_RPT_USAGE_Count] WHERE [EXTERNAL_REPORT_NAME] = 'ManagerLicenseReport') + 1 WHERE [EXTERNAL_REPORT_NAME] = 'ManagerLicenseReport' DECLARE @Now DATETIME SET @Now = GETDATE() DECLARE @sqlCommand VARCHAR(8000), @Headcount INT, @params nvarchar(4000), @PERID INT DELETE FROM TEMPCOUNT DECLARE AG CURSOR FORWARD_ONLY FOR SELECT DISTINCT JA.PERSONID FROM dbo.JAIDS AS JA INNER JOIN dbo.MYWTKEMPLOYEE ON JA.EMPLOYEEID = dbo.MYWTKEMPLOYEE.EMPLOYEEID WHERE (JA.PERSONID > 0) AND (JA.DELETEDSW = 0) AND EXISTS (SELECT PERSONID, LICENSETYPEID FROM dbo.PRSNLICTYPEMM WHERE (LICENSETYPEID = 3) AND (PRSNLICTYPEMM.PERSONID = JA.PERSONID)) AND (dbo.MYWTKEMPLOYEE.SESSIONID = @SessionID) OPEN AG FETCH NEXT FROM AG INTO @PERID WHILE @@FETCH_STATUS=0 BEGIN SELECT @sqlCommand =[dbo].[CustomReports_GetAccessGroupBy_TestErr](@PERID) CREATE TABLE #temp(mycount int) SET @sqlCommand = 'INSERT INTO #temp ' + @sqlCommand EXEC (@sqlCommand) --INSERT INTO ResultSt select @sqlCommand --Select @Headcount = mycount from #temp --INSERT INTO TEMPCOUNT select @PERID, @Headcount INSERT INTO TEMPCOUNT select @PERID, mycount from #temp DROP TABLE #temp FETCH NEXT FROM AG INTO @PERID END CLOSE AG DEALLOCATE AG SELECT DISTINCT JA.PERSONID AS PersonID, PE.PERSONNUM AS PersonNum, PE.FULLNM AS PersonFullName, EA.EMAILADDRESSTXT AS EmailAddress, LA.LABORLEV1NM AS OrgUnitNum, LA.LABORLEV1DSC AS OrgUnitName, LA.LABORLEV4NM AS PerAdmin, LA.LABORLEV4DSC AS PerAdminDesc, AP.PROFILENM, CASE AP.PROFILENM WHEN '&SUPER_USER_ACCESS' THEN 'ALL HOMES' ELSE dbo.CustomReports_GetAccessGroup(PE.PERSONID) END AS AccessGroup, CASE AP.PROFILENM WHEN '&SUPER_USER_ACCESS' THEN dbo.HeadCountSU() ELSE dbo.TEMPCOUNT.HeadCOUNT END AS HeadCount, PN.PHONENUM AS PhoneNumber, dbo.CustomReports_GetAccessGroupBy(PE.PERSONID) AS AccessGroupBy, MAX(dbo.AUDITITEM.ENTEREDONDTM) AS LoginDate FROM dbo.PHONENUMBER AS PN RIGHT OUTER JOIN dbo.EMAILADDRESS AS EA RIGHT OUTER JOIN dbo.JAIDS AS JA INNER JOIN dbo.PERSON AS PE ON JA.PERSONID = PE.PERSONID INNER JOIN dbo.HOMEACCTHIST AS HH ON JA.EMPLOYEEID = HH.EMPLOYEEID INNER JOIN dbo.LABORACCT AS LA ON HH.LABORACCTID = LA.LABORACCTID AND GETDATE() BETWEEN HH.EFFECTIVEDTM AND ISNULL(HH.EXPIRATIONDTM, GETDATE() + 1) - 1 INNER JOIN dbo.PRSNACCSASSIGN AS PA ON PE.PERSONID = PA.PERSONID INNER JOIN dbo.ACCESSPROFILE AS AP ON PA.ACCESSPROFID = AP.ACCESSPROFID ON EA.PERSONID = PE.PERSONID AND EA.EMAILADDRESSTXT = (SELECT TOP (1) EMAILADDRESSTXT FROM dbo.EMAILADDRESS WHERE (PERSONID = PE.PERSONID) ORDER BY UPDATEDTM DESC) ON PN.PERSONID = JA.PERSONID AND PN.PHONENUM = (SELECT TOP (1) PHONENUM FROM dbo.PHONENUMBER WHERE (PERSONID = JA.PERSONID) AND (CONTACTTYPEID = 4) ORDER BY UPDATEDTM DESC) FULL OUTER JOIN dbo.USERACCOUNT AS UA ON JA.PERSONID = UA.PERSONID INNER JOIN dbo.MYWTKEMPLOYEE AS WE ON WE.PERSONID = UA.PERSONID INNER JOIN dbo.DATASOURCE INNER JOIN dbo.CLIENTCONTEXT ON dbo.DATASOURCE.CLIENTCONTEXTID = dbo.CLIENTCONTEXT.CLIENTCONTEXTID ON UA.USERACCOUNTNM = dbo.CLIENTCONTEXT.USERNAME INNER JOIN dbo.AUDITITEM ON dbo.DATASOURCE.DATASOURCEID = dbo.AUDITITEM.DATASOURCEID LEFT OUTER JOIN dbo.TEMPCOUNT ON LTRIM(RTRIM(EA.PERSONID)) = LTRIM(RTRIM(dbo.TEMPCOUNT.PersonID)) WHERE (JA.PERSONID > 0) AND (JA.DELETEDSW = 0) AND (WE.SESSIONID = @SessionID) AND EXISTS (SELECT PERSONID, LICENSETYPEID FROM dbo.PRSNLICTYPEMM WHERE (LICENSETYPEID = 3) AND (PERSONID = JA.PERSONID)) AND (dbo.AUDITITEM.AUDITTYPEID = 10) GROUP BY JA.PERSONID, PE.PERSONNUM, PE.FULLNM, EA.EMAILADDRESSTXT, LA.LABORLEV1NM, LA.LABORLEV1DSC, LA.LABORLEV4NM, LA.LABORLEV4DSC, AP.PROFILENM, PE.PERSONID, PN.PHONENUM, dbo.TEMPCOUNT.HeadCOUNTThat’s more scary than ugly…